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Joke of the Day

"5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child."

"Why do drummers carry transparent lunchboxes? So they know if they are going to the gig, or coming from it. Ta-boom!"

"Where do Russian Spy's live? In a Snow Den. (This is a joke. Please refrain from yelling at me, that he is not a spy. Thank you and have a nice day.)"

"Men look at boobs for the same reason women look at puppies in cages. We just want to set them free and play with them."

"""Dammit. I had shit planned today."" -- a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper"

"I lost all my Pokemon cards in a fire I only have Ash now"

"Terrorists in Hawaii be like.. ..Aloha Akbar."

"Why do short people laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls."

"I'm confused... square box, round pizza but triangle slices."

"If someone asked me to choose my favorite body part... I'd pick my nose."