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Joke of the Day

"Think having your kid hear you having sex is the worst? NOPE! Having your kid run into the room with a light saber to save you...MUCH WORSE!"

"[on phone] ""Press 1 if you're a huge nerd"" ""Press 2 if you're a virgin"" ""Press 3 if y-"" STOP TALKING, DAD! I'm trying to call Xbox support"

"Robin Williams has died Thank you for the laughter"

"Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you."

"All of my friends are jealous when they find out I hooked up with my math teacher in high school But honestly, being homeschooled sucked."

"Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don't know."

"I feel like it's my civic duty to not let luxury cars merge in front of me."

"What is a Fecalpheliac's favorite time of day? Ate Turdy"

"I just read an article on the dangers of alcohol and it scared the shit out of me So that's it. I'm done. No more reading after today"

"what do you call an American Tardis? a reTardis"