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Joke of the Day

"INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put ""has dominion over bees""? ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off"

"I actually like the smell of moth balls, but it's so hard to hold them still without hurting their little wings."

"What do you call an important Australian? A significunt"

"Most people who think I'm a nice person have no idea that I'd trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza."

"I just made myself a sandwich... which, if I'm understanding Twitter law correctly... makes me my own bitch."

"My wife was struggling to open the freezer In the end she gave up, and froze to death."

"When Mr Maxwell's wife left him he couldn't sleep. Why was that? She had taken the bed."

"How do you make Instagram worthy coffee? #nofilter"

"Girl, are you expansionary monetary policy? Because my Aggregate Demand is growing."

"What do Jedi use to open PDF files? Adobe wan Kenobi."