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Joke of the Day

"Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn't mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had."

"How do these presidential candidates sleep at night?! With an electorate blanket."

"Why can't you suck air through your fist while bobbing your head back and forth? ;}"

"When we were vacationing in New Zealand, I bought myself a back-scratcher made from a Kangaroo claw. ... ... The only downside is when I use it on myself, I end up feeling jumpy the rest of the day."

"(in a rowboat with 6 starving people) ""I think you mean ""WHOM should we eat first"""

"What do you have when you have a mother in law buried up to her neck in sand? not enough sand."

"""Report Spam"" is the elevator close door button of Twitter."

"I dreamt last night that I got Reddit gold. Instead I got downvoted to oblivion."

"Was told to turn on the water hose I was told to turn on the water hose. Responded ""I don't know anything about mermaid sexuality"""

"""You had a life. It was this long. Here's a rock."" - tombstones"