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Joke of the Day

"Was told to turn on the water hose I was told to turn on the water hose. Responded ""I don't know anything about mermaid sexuality"""

"My best exit strategy: 1)Play my ring tone 2)Excuse myself 3)Yell ""OMG! I'm on my way now!"" & tell them my brother had a bad car accident."

"If flying by the seat of your pants was so easy, do you think I would still be dealing with morning traffic to get to work?"

"Looks like balls = Scrotesque."

"If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they'll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you'll have enough money to buy an orange."

"she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now? ""...there ar plenty of fish in the sea"" OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH"

"""I just can't wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house."" -Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning"

"What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef!"

"What do you call a Mexican working at Tim Hortons? a Filipino"

"I'm opening a pet grooming business. I'm calling it ""Bitch, I will cut you"""