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Joke of the Day

"[1st time buying drugs] Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas* Me: hell ya"

"I've been using medical marijuana for my bladder issues... My doctor told me to piss or get off the pot."

"So the power went out during the Superbowl (Texans Joke) Better get J.J Watt!"

"A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus."

"I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called ""The News."""

"This is embarrassing. I tunneled through my wall to escape work and ended up in my boss's office. He's watching me tweet this. I'm fired."

"dont tell the delivery guy you're gonna Fuck the pizza. Don't tell delivery guy You're gonna fuck the Pizza ""Thank you i intend to Fu"

"When a clock is hungry... ...it goes back four seconds."

"I worry that people who say ""I'll sleep when I'm dead"" may have missed a Science class or two."

"On a scale from one to ten, how obsessed with Harry Potter are you? About nine and three-quarters."