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Joke of the Day

"Never have sex at an Olive Garden. Because when you're there, you're family."

"After a long and tough discussion, my wife and I decided to go with adoption. Let the little shits be someone else's problem."

"I walked into a bookshop Me: ""Do you have any books on turtles?"" Them ""Hard back?"" Me: ""Yeah, with little heads"""

"Growing up means you start to find it creepy that your dad's pet name for your mom is ""Squirty"""

"I pulled a girl in a nightclub last night. She said ""What the fuck are you doing"" and walked back out."

"[at a bar] *sees hot chick check me out* *writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her* *she reads note* ""STOP STARING IT'S RUDE"""

"Did you hear about the comedian who was arrested for domestic violence? He was a real niece slapper."

"*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf* ""Here let me get that"" I say [Beacuse I'm much taller] *I put the soup in my cart & walk away*"

"Why couldn't the kid get in to see the pirate movie? It was rated PG-13, and he was only 11. Plus, he had no money, and his mother didn't want him watching movies like that."

"My grandparents were fighting over a hamburger it was aged beef."