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Joke of the Day

"*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf* ""Here let me get that"" I say [Beacuse I'm much taller] *I put the soup in my cart & walk away*"

"Q: How many Vietnam Vets does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: YOU DON'T KNOW, MAN, YOU WEREN'T THERE!!! YOU DON'T KNOW!!!"

"Static cling is just physics showing us how much it loves us."

"My girlfriend likes it in the ear... because everytime I try to put it in her mouth she turns her head."

"There's four things I'm no good with: faces, names and numbers."

"Got a text from my girlfriend, thespacebuttonisfaultyonthisphonecanyoupleasegivemeanalternative.' I wonder what ternative' means?"

"Who is the second coolest doctor in the hospital The hip replacement guy"

"Why do black people cry during sex? Because of the mace."

"TIFU And by I, I mean Ellen Pao."

"What did the made-to-order breakfast dish say to Taylor Swift at the Grammys? Omelette you finish."