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Joke of the Day

"""you're too polite"" I am not [two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn't usually bark at strangers"

"You know you have no attention span when you require a mental break while typing 140 characters."

"Have you guys heard about the Indian coat check? His name was Mahatma Coat."

"Brain walks into a bar. or maybe was his name Brian? No, it was like bill or brad or something. Anyways that dude had the best weed."

"My Grandfather died quietly in his sleep. Not screaming and yelling like the passenger in his car."

"Why does nobody like a rich stone? Because he takes everything for granite."

"What do you call a black man flying an aeroplane?... ... a pilot, you racist fuck"

"A moment of silence for the fat friend in a group of girls who can't jump high enough to be in the ""mid air"" beach picture :("

"Oh your baby's name is Walter? Is he close to retirement?"

"I mean, really though, who hasn't seen a UFO at this point?"