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Joke of the Day

"I'm usually more of a Samantha but sometimes I am such a Carrie, like when a bucket of blood got dumped on my head at prom"

"me: *dies* mom: no get up you still have to go to school."

"You know what's the only difference between Martin Luther King day and St. Patrick's day? Everybody wants to be Irish on St. Patrick's day."

"Lif's too short"

"I don't mean to sound like a tough guy but I've been in New York City for almost two hours and I've only cried like 31 times..."

"What is it called when Batman skips church? Christian Bale"

"What is the difference between a priest and acne? Acne doesn't come on your face until you're 12."

"You had a flat tire on the highway? What was that like? [cut to: me crying helplessly until AAA arrives] Your survival instincts take over"

"My internet is so slow, it's just faster to drive to the Google headquarters and ask them shit in person."

"What's the difference between a straight man's moustache and a gay man's moustache? The smell."