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Joke of the Day

"[Going through customs] Anything to declare, sir? 1...2... Sir, what are you 3...4...I declare a thumb war! Oh bring it on *misses flight*"

"what do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery person have in common? They have to smell it, but they can't taste it."

"There's only 1 thing worse than ants in your pants.... ....and that's Uncles in your pants!"

"""You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep."" -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow"

"How many Vietnam vets does it take to screw in a lightbulb? YOU DON'T KNOW MAN, YOU WEREN'T THERE!!!!"

"Do cannibals try to eat gymnasts... for a more balanced diet?"

"Where do twin lesbians meet up? A Clone Dyke Bar."

"The Avengers must love Daft Punk They were up all night to get Loki"

"MOM: always open the door for a lady [later on date] ME: Let me get that for you [reaching under stall door for lock] please stop screaming"

"Why are there no living cats on Mars? Because curiosity killed them all."