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Joke of the Day

"The Fifa president, secretary general and communications director are all travelling in a car. Who's driving? The police. Not mine: http://www.bbc.com/sport/0/football/33099881"

"The best thing about fucking 26 year olds is... there's 26 of them."

"[interview] ""Where you see yourself in 5 years?"" Doing your job. ""And me?"" Jobless and upset about the divorce ""OMG"" *runs out crying*"

"I went to Alcoholics Anonymous last week. The first thing they told me to do was to stop hanging around other alcoholics. So I stopped going."

"Dad: Why is your January report card so bad ? Son: Well you know how it is. Things are always marked down after Christmas !"

"Did you know that if you pull off a lizard's tail it'll grow back? And if you pull it off again the lizard will be like, ""Dude, c'mon..."""

"How do you package a 21st century classical jazz singer? Buble wrap Sorry "

"I feel like dinner parties are secretly competitions about who watches the most news and documentaries"

"Last night I had a nightmare that Ann Coulter died and came back to haunt me... ...she was a coultergeist"

"You cant have crisis without ISIS"