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Joke of the Day

"My personal trainer told me to stop eating pizzas but if I'm craving it I should just eat one slice. So now I ask them not to cut the pizza."

"""You need to stop doing chest workouts, it looks like you have boobs,"" said my wife. ""That makes one of us then,"" I replied."

"The police didn't believe me when I told them I found a flying carpet... They called the whole thing fabricated."

"Why are birds always short on cash? Because they have bills."

"I just sent a text that says ""we really need to talk"" to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today."

"I was recently in court with a necrophiliac as a judge... Everyone got the death sentence."

"I was on a date other day when the girl said she wanted to start a long distance relationship using semaphore. Raised a couple of red flags..."

"Why did the english student get an F? His poem had ABAD rhyme pattern."

"I get bummed out when I end up being on time but I'd worked up a really solid ""why I'm late"" story."

"I hold my 440mL Pepsi can in the same way i hold my iPhone 5 With regret"