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Joke of the Day

"""You need to stop doing chest workouts, it looks like you have boobs,"" said my wife. ""That makes one of us then,"" I replied."

"""That's not Captain Kirk."" is what I like to say just after the pilot makes his first announcement & then everyone laughs in my head."

"There are two types of people in this world: Those who need closure (told by Cortana)"

"What do you call a Russian bovine covered in lichen? A Moss-cow"

"Damn girl, you remind me of my mother! /* indistinguishable sobs *"

"Religions are like farts... Everyone likes their own but thinks all the others stink."

"What is brown and rhymes with ""snoop""? Dr.Dre"

"I want to live the kind of life that when St. Peter looks over my list of sins he gives me a high-five before he sends me to hell."

"Today my wife was on her knees before me. ...screaming: ""Don't you hide under the bed, asshole!"""

"Laundry Day Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt. Him: Babe, I can explain! Me: Don't care. Just ask her the brand and shade name."