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Joke of the Day

"[adrift at sea] CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan"

"Not that I hate you.. But I'll unplug your life support to charge my phone"

"UPCOMING JESUS APPERANCES 8/3 Pancake, Norfolk, VA 8/10 Cheeto, Salem, OR 8/19 Window stain, Orem, UT 8/23 Vegemite Jar, Perth, AU"

"Why is Nicolas Cage's radio so loud? He doesn't know how to turn things down"

"If the sprayer in the sink can't get it off and the dishwasher can't get it off then I assume it's just meant to be a part of the pan."

"the sign at this subway bathroom says employees must wash hands. ive been waiting for them to come wash my hands for an hour. nothing."

"A man and a boy are walking through the dark woods together Boy: Wow this is really scary Man: How do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone!!!"

"If I eat lots of preservatives, won't I live longer? No, but you will have a longer shelf life."

"Why are pigs such early risers? Did you ever try to shut off a rooster?"

"If they put a woman on the $10 bill... Wouldn't it be $7.70?"