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Joke of the Day

"My father would always tell me, ""Son, someday you will go far..."" ""and I hope to God that you stay there."""

"Sometimes I wonder if my wife ever heard me call her a dumb bitch. I think about it every day since she died from cancer. I never got to say it to her face."

"I've been getting bullied... and I've been thinking about suicide. I would simply just drink BULLEACH."

"So, Schrodinger walks into a vet with his cat. The nurse takes the cat, goes into the room, and comes out 10 minutes later. ""Sir, we have good news and bad news."""

"What do you call someone addicted to both crack and weed? A rockin' roller."

"What is the best gift you can give your girlfriend for your anniversary? Nothing. It's a gift she will always remember. Edit: Wording clarified (Thanks to therinnovator)."

"My (black) coworkers informed me that black people can't get lice? ""You know what else they can't get? Good jobs."" I received a write-up :("

"What is better than a rose on a guitarist? Tulips on my pianist."

"Someone just threw a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me! I only received super fish oil injuries, but still..."

"There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Banjo Barbie ...complete with straw hat and Earl Scruggs cassette"