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Joke of the Day

"If at first you don't succeed, Skydiving isn't for you."

"*sets cauldron over crackling fire* *adds lock of his hair* *does magicky stuff* Now love me. **POOF** *my left eyebrow falls off*"

"Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons? Her: Will there be children dining today? Me: No. The crayons are for me."

"As a kid I could never understand why my mother would not let me play near the train tracks across the street from my house. Then it hit me."

"How did Simba make the Pride Lands great again? He put up a wall"

"""I'm single and ready to mingle""..oh god, is this why I'm still single, cuz I say shit like that?"

"Duck Joke Q: Why did the duck go to jail? A: He was selling quack."

"Walking by the lingerie section Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway. Me: Uh huh."

"Eyebrow gaps are so much more important than thigh gaps"

"Sorry I haven't been able to get back to you, I've been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It."