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Joke of the Day

"Sorry I haven't been able to get back to you, I've been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It."

"I just invented this new word! Plagiarism."

"I can't wait to get one of those self-driving cars to watch my wife argue with it."

"That new show, Black-ish just started airing in Korea. It's called Brackish."

"What do you get when you cross a fishing rod with mud? a dirty hooker"

"Why did the Bloody Mary need a restraining order? Celery Stalks."

"What mouse has two legs? Mickey Mouse. What duck has two legs?"

"Donald trump and a slinky have a lot in common... They are both useless piles of garbage but they'll put a smile on your face if you shove them down the stairs."

"Your wife will always agree to let you go out and get drunk with your friends and as long as you're smart and don't go."

"What type of music do astronauts love? Neptunes!"