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Joke of the Day
"Welcome to the dark side. We have.... Well, we can't see what we have. It's dark."
Next Joke
"Pretend it's a beer... Pretend it's a beer... Pretend it's a beer... - Me trying not to drop a baby."
"Shopping with friend ""Look, triangle-shaped tupperware for your leftover pizza!"" Me: ""What's leftover pizza?"
"Kill the man Cop: ""Did you kill this man?"" Me: ""No, a bullet killed him. Bullets are made of lead, which comes from the ground. The ground is part of nature. He died of natural causes. Case closed."""
"Text from mom: How's my baby girl? Me: I'm moving back in. Mom: Your room is ready. Me: No, your uterus! Mom: Steph you drink too much"
"What did one snail say to the other? Nothing. They were both decoys."
"Sometimes I'll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell ""THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!"" until I'm kicked out"
"*stares into distance* Distance: Please stop staring. It's rude."
"What do you call a midget fortune teller that just escaped from prison? A small medium at large."
"How do you get milk from a witch's cat? Steal her saucer."