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Joke of the Day

"Kill the man Cop: ""Did you kill this man?"" Me: ""No, a bullet killed him. Bullets are made of lead, which comes from the ground. The ground is part of nature. He died of natural causes. Case closed."""

"What Do You Call a Bearded Man Whose Idea of Paradise is 72 Virgins? Richard Branson."

"Jesus: I have to die because of sin God: Yes Jesus: Which you created as punishment God: Yes Jesus: For eating an apple God: Yes Jesus: No"

"Accidently played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear. Now it can ride a bike without training wheels."

"Me: One last drink and then I'm off to the petting zoo Her: Aren't you too drunk to bring the kids to a petting zoo? Me: I have kids?"

"HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie? HER: sure, sounds great. [next day] HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?"

"I met a Muslim man who said he had the Qur'an on DVD. The trouble started when I asked him to burn a copy for me."

"It's time for my wife's 12 week sonogram! I can't wait to see what we'll have! A son or an abortion"

"How do you spot a vegan at a party? Don't worry, they'll let you know."

"Kayne West says he's gonna be the next Nelson Mandela. Your wife is a porn star and your daughter is a compass. Take a seat, son. Merica."