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Joke of the Day

"Text from mom: How's my baby girl? Me: I'm moving back in. Mom: Your room is ready. Me: No, your uterus! Mom: Steph you drink too much"

"Confucius say... French girl high maintenance. Chinese girl Lo Mein-tenance."

"What do a communist and a nihilist have in common? It's all the same to them"

"The best part of being single is that you always get to be right."

"How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? None, there's no need for a lightbulb with a glass ceiling."

"Dog: Me: Dog: Me: Dog: *spits out pill* Me: DAMMIT!"

"You know those people who only tweet once every couple of days? What do they have going on that I don't? I mean, besides a life."

"Two fat Scottish sounding women in my bar tonight... ""Hey, are you two from Scotland?"" I asked. ""It's WALES you fucking idiot,"" one yelled. I apologized, ""Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"""

"Two cows are standing in a field ...and one says to the other, ""Say, are you worried about this mad cow disease going around?"" And the other one says, ""Why should I care? I'm a helicopter! PFFFFFT!"""

"Why can't you smell Bran (spoilers) He's hodorless"