172043

Joke of the Day

"Ever been so completely out of toilet paper that you send your kid next door to get some? Me neither, I just like to embarrass my kid."

"It's not illegal to wear a pinstripe suit & slick back your hair. Then go to a restaurant & ask them if they got ""that thing"" while winking."

"Why didn't the astronauts land on the moon? Because it was full. * (from a taffy taffy wrapper--oh my god what am I doing with my life)"

"Give me a screwdriver Normal thing for a mechanic to say to his lackey. Start of a sexual harrassment case for Britney Spears."

"[Arkham Asylum] GUARD 1: that guy's CRAZY *gestures to Joker's cell* JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google* GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit"

"A mexican magician told the audience he'll disappear on the count of three. He said ""Uno, dos"" *POOF* He disappeared without a tres. **edit Front page??? Thats Punbelieveable!"

"I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate... And I can picture us invading that world because they'd never see it coming."

"Kid: Are you the babysitter? Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I'll be watching you. It'll be fun! Kid: *horrified*"

"sorry I haven't been tweeting much lately. I've been reading the Cheesecake Factory menu"

"a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians"