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Joke of the Day

"Why didn't the astronauts land on the moon? Because it was full. * (from a taffy taffy wrapper--oh my god what am I doing with my life)"

"A jealous girlfriend is a faithful girlfriend. If she doesn't get jealous when someone has your attention, it's because someone has hers."

"If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, do feminists still try to blame it on the patriarchy?"

"Why did Bernie Sanders's chicken restaurant throw out so much food? He only sold left wings."

"HER: this isn't working out ME: is it because I'm too literal? HER: I just don't want to see you any more ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*"

"""Wanna see a movie?"" ""Can't. Don't exist yet."" ""Shit."" (1700s)"

"What is the difference between a chickpea and a lentil? I wouldn't pay $200 to have a lentil on my face"

"My best friend told me that he had super powers... ... I told him to suck his own dick."

"[talking to mcdonalds cashier] which burger has the most acai berry vitamins and superfood antioxidants?"

"What do Ryan Lochte and the water in Rio have in common? They're both full of shit."