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Joke of the Day

"[At the Grand Canyon] Me: I L o v e T h i s P l a c e [ECHO] [ECHO] GC: Let's just be friends"

"*Knocks on door* Hey open up. You didn't reply to my last 43 texts & then you tweeted about a guy who keeps annoying you. You need help?"

"*Maintains eye contact with the soccer mom feeding her kid organic kale chips while giving my kid a snickers bar."

"Have you seen the movie Constipated? No? That's because it hasn't come out yet. Have you seen the movie Diarrhea? You can. It's still running."

"Cabbies, stop acting like paying with a credit card is the worst thing to happen to you since you were a child soldier in your homeland."

"You give me Epsilon, I give you Delta. Together, we find limits."

"She told me to give her 10 inches, and make it hurt... ... so I gave it to her three times, and punched her in the nose."

"date: and then after traveling to Iceland I decided to get my MBA me: date: me: I went to Arby's 7 times yesterday"

"[audition for a vampire tv show] ME: as u can see in my headshots, i'm a vampire CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos ME: exactly"

"Let's cure feminism with the 7up plan. Wake up Chin up Grow up Cheer up Lighten up Loosen up But most of all SHUT THE FUCK UP!"