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Joke of the Day

"""Your resume lists the skills 'poor timing' & 'awkward'?"" Can I have a raise? ""We haven't hired you."" Oh. You're very handsome. ""I see."""

"So glad the new phone book arrived, because I hate texting the wrong number from the rotary phone in my Ford Model T."

"Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the P is silent"

"Panic rooms are a great way to protect yourself during home invasions or like if you forget your wife's birthday."

"I taped a slice of bread on the ceiling. And that's how you start a rave party in Ethiopia."

"There are 10 types of people.... ....who understand binary: * The one who does * The one who doesn't"

"Sometimes when I throw up I like to pretend the toilet is a baby bird and you're not even reading this anymore are you."

"I have a roommate. She cleans my room, I clean hers. We are maid for each other."

"Why do Jews have big noses? Why not? Air is free anyway!"

"I just found out my mum didn't know how to set the clock on their new microwave. So they stayed up until midnight & then plugged it in"