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Joke of the Day

"At the mattress store I set all the sleep numbers to 69, because I'm hilarious and original and sexy."

"""2, 4, 6, 8!! Ride my face let's fornicate!!!"" And with that, HR banished me from all future employee picnics."

"Life is like toilet paper... You're either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole."

"What would shakira be singing if she had been data scientist? Tsamina mina eh eh... ""Weka Weka"" eh eh..."

"It would be wrong to ask a one-eyed person if it really was all fun and games up until that point, right?"

"My black friend called me a disgrace in front of his girlfriend. But then I realized he was introducing me to his girlfriend, Grace."

"Not ordering French fries counts as exercise, right?"

"Boss: HR wants to see you Me: What for? Boss: Mandatory drug test Me: Oh man, I really can't do any more drugs after the weekend I had"

"I made half a cup of tea the other day... It was so nice I had two."

"The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn't have been much use in Vietnam."