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Joke of the Day

"My sister told the police that I mistreat my pets. My own little sister! I guess that's the thanks I get for giving her a goldfish necklace."

"Every night, I take all of the singles out of my wallet, spread them on the bed, and pretend I was pretty that day."

"What do you get when you put tea in pans pants"

"Whats the hardest part about cooking vegetable? getting the wheelchair in the oven."

"Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night."

"Why did semen cross the road? Put on the wrong sock....."

"I can never tell the difference between your/you're/Asians"

"[Russian Joke] What will the results of the next election be? No one knows! The results were stolen from the Politburo just last night!"

"The next time someone says ""expect the unexpected,"" I'm going to punch them in the nose and ask if they expected that."

"What do you give a man who has everything? Penicillin"