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Joke of the Day

"What did the dyslexic bank robber say? ""FREEZE MOTHERSTICKER! THIS IS A FUCK UP!"""

"OMINOUS CHANTING *pentagram starts to glow* YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE! *Satan tosses pillow through portal* UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!"

"How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now."

"My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there - so he'd see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey."

"A dad walks into his daughter's room and saw her fapping with a cucumber, he said: Hey! I was going to eat that, now it's going to taste like cucumber!"

"[caught hiding something in the garbage] gf: are you eating hot wings again? me: no gf: oh really, then touch your eyes me: god damnit"

"""Whoa nice car"" Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels [whispers to friend] ""What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires"""

"I fell sick today when I wore crocs... I am Lacoste intolerant."

"Q: How many Chinamen does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Thousands because Confucious say many hands make light work."

"When professors with tenure need a quick snack Do they eat academia nuts?"