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Joke of the Day

"Two termites walk into a bar... ""Excuse me sir, is the bar tender here?"""

"What did Lincoln say on the last night of his life? ""Aw shit Mary, I need to go see a play tonight like I need a hole in the head..."""

"I don't like vegetables, so somebody told me to get a juicer. It didn't help. That thing tasted worse than the vegetables."

"Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old's lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours."

"A mailman delivers mail, and a milkman delivers milk. I'm a lineman. **I deliver lines.**"

"The only time you have too much fuel is when you are on fire"

"What does a stock broker and a gym rat have in common? NEED MORE GAINS"

"Some naughty science shit. 63 earths can fit inside ur-anus."

"[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house] seriously, what purpose do you serve"

"Have you heard about the South Korean subreddit? Apparently it's the /r/seoul of reddit."