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Joke of the Day

"Today my wife asked, ""would you still love me if I was ugly and fat?"" Turns out ""Yes I do"" was not the right answer."

"What do pelicans eat? Anything that fits the bill."

"My electric toothbrush ran out of batteries so I had to brush with my acoustic."

"*put cooked chicken in oven* *offer to cook date dinner* *put raw chicken in oven* *immediately pull out cooked chicken* *keep eye contact*"

"They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play."

"First time flying huh? -Yeah how could you tell? Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage."

"You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop... I've that."

"Why did Eric Clapton switch from PC to Mac? He had a bad experience with windows."

"The greatest trick the Devil ever played is where he touches my chest and says ""What's that?"" and I look down and he flicks my nose."

"Cartoons lied to me as a child. I was lead to believe quicksand was going to be a much larger problem in life."