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Joke of the Day

"I farted while lifting a heavy object today. It was very embarrassing. I had to apologize to the man at the next urinal."

"[calls home] son: hello me: hi, put mom on the phone son: I can't me: why son: she's too heavy"

"How do they dance in Arabia? Sheik-to-sheik (cheek)."

"Dirty deeds done at a reasonable price with a quantity discount. That seems like a more sustainable business model."

"It's so beautiful outside. I should probably do something...Like close the blinds so there isn't a glare on my computer screen."

"How many reposts does it take to change a subreddit? More than we have now. This sub is still shit."

"How do you make a double bass sound in tune? Chop it up an turn it into a xylophone"

"My friend never shuts up about lemon-lime flavored, caffeine-free sodas To sprite our differences we're still good friends."

"My new flesh-light is dishwasher safe! Not sure why my roommates are opposed to it?"

"I'm giving up drinking. ... Hard liquor. ... On Wednesdays."