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Joke of the Day

"My friend never shuts up about lemon-lime flavored, caffeine-free sodas To sprite our differences we're still good friends."

"My best relationship advice: Make sure you're the crazy one."

"Went to see my doctor and he told i was going to have to stop masturbating I asked why and he said ""Because im trying to examine you!"""

"*hears crying* *finds baby in dumpster* *sees large box full of N64 games* *looks around* ""You didn't see anything, baby."" *takes box*"

"Four years ago I asked out the girl of my dreams. Today, I asked her to marry me. She said no both times."

"I just killed 84 birds with 1 stone at Petsmart, totally destroying the previous record of 2."

"ME: Um, I specifically requested Mary. BLOODY CARLA: Listen, do you want your eyes clawed out or not?"

"What do you call two gay chickpeas? Hummusexuals."

"[interview] What's your greatest weakness? ME: Probably avoiding tough questions Can you elaborate on that? ME: Oh hey look at the time!"

"Genderfluid? I just call that semen"