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Joke of the Day

"Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I've had too much to drink and I really need to pee."

"How do you get down off of an elephant? You don't, you get down off of a duck."

"Me: *Sweeping* Wife: Excuse me Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS Wife: ... Me: That's from lord of Wife: MOVE! Me: *Moves*"

"I don't like the song Stairway To Heaven because it implies that heaven is not wheelchair accessible."

"No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us."

"Went to the corner store I bought 4 corners"

"There's plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea."

"Have you heard about the Tempura Shelter they are opening downtown? It's a center for lightly battered women."

"My boyfriend offered to do analingus if I'd trim a ""landing strip..."" I told him he should be more worried about Skid Row."

"Hey, are you BB-8? (harmless spoiler) Coz I'd like to fix your antenna ( )"