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Joke of the Day

"Things I need now because of Twitter: 1. A cat 2. A beard 3. Printer for Avis 4. Duct tape 5. Rope 6. Gas card"

"What is Newton's fifth law of motion? If you run around a tree at the speed of light you can literally fuck yourself."

"A cheap shot is a terrible thing to waste."

"Why don't nervous vegans visit Germany? They fear the wurst!"

"There are two boats (tankers) about to collide at sea. One is filled with purple paint, the other with red paint. They collide... All the survivors were marooned."

"Two guys walk into a bar One guy says, 'I'd like some H2O.' The other guy says, 'I'd like some H2O, too.' The second guy died. The bartender is a chemist."

"What do you get if you cross an owl with a witch? A bird that's ugly but doesn't give a hoot!"

"What did the writing utensil take for his high sugar level? Pencil-in."

"These sex jokes are in really poor taste and they need to stop. I mean, cum on, guys."

"Girls want a Guy that's a gentleman and a Bad Ass! Girls want a guy that's a gentleman and a bad ass. On first dates, I wear a tuxedo and an eye patch!"