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Joke of the Day

"""Are you seeing anyone?"" Me: lately I've been seeing this squiggly floaty thing on my peripheral vision. Floaty thing: We're just friends."

"Innkeeper: The room is $45 per night. It's $35 if you make your own bed. Guest: I'll make my own bed. Innkeeper: Good. I'll get you some nails and wood."

"For such a picky eater, I'm certainly not a picky weight gainer."

"When someone says ""sorry it's so messy in here"" regarding their mostly clean car I laugh so loud I cough up several pieces of trash"

"What does the narcissistic cow say? ""Meeeeee!"" I wrote this. I'm now a comedy writer. You are welcome."

"Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola."

"Suitable for British consumption I just heard the UK strawberry picking championships has been won by a woman with no legs. Jammy cunt"

"What do you call a retired Marine in a Chevy sports car? A Corps vet in a Corvette."

"""Suicide Squad"" looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with."

"We gave The Gap shit for the new logo. Then we gave The Gap shit for pulling it. Congratulations. We are a collective psychotic girlfriend."