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Joke of the Day

"I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a 'dignified' cover up...!!"

"I named my penis Richard That's long for Dick Hey - at least it's not another Turkey joke."

"[after my murder] COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him? WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy"

"*pushes math homework away in 1990* I'll never need this *getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014* I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS"

"I give myself an excuse for watching porn. By pretending I'm watching ""How it's made: Babies"" on youtube."

"I don't trust umbrellas. They're shady."

"I don't feel bad for the people killed in ""Jaws"". When I know where a murderer lives, I don't go swimming in his bathtub."

"I was raised as an only child. My siblings took it pretty hard."

"What is the difference between arguing with a knife and arguing with your girlfriend? The knife has a point."

"My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week."