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Joke of the Day

"Goodnight moon. Goodnight stars. Goodnight 4,000-year-old Earth. Goodnight dinosaur fossils that were put here to test our faith."

"""WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING. YOU SUCK."" I yell at the football player in the TV as I'm sitting on a couch having cake"

"Just be yourself. All the good personalities are taken."

"Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today. I didn't do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me."

"I bet a girl that I could touch her boobs without touching her for $5. Paid her the $5 after I touched her boobs."

"What did the Hispanic firefighter name his kids? Jose and Hose-B"

"Happy 1 year anniversary to the Lean Cuisine in my freezer!"

"What's the difference between Hillary's staff and Bill's staff? Bill's staff waited until after the election to suck."

"No autocorrect, I do not want to organism all over his face."

"[job interview] ""What's your biggest weakness?"" ""My honesty"" ""I don't think-"" ""I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night"""