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Joke of the Day

"The first rule of winter sex The one who has a running nose has to be under the other."

"Does the carpet match the drapes? Nope, I've got hardwood."

"*Ronda Rousey in the Doctors office* Ronda: I'm having trouble getting pregnant Doctor: Stop taking it in the jaw"

"Abortion clinics are awful. But their smoothies are to die for."

"Two prostitutes are discussing one asks the other: -What did you ask to Santa Claus this year? the other one answers: -Fifty dollars like everybody else"

"I organized a threesome last night....there were a couple of no shows, but I still had a good time."

"Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they're easily impressed by semicolons."

"I have no time for stupid people But they sure do have time for me."

"so this baby seal walks into a club... ...he got smashed."

"curious new Snapchat filter shows exact date and time of your death but refuses to be sent. then you notice: the time says five minutes ago."