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Joke of the Day

"Me: Threesome? Wife: When pigs fly! Do I wish for flying pigs? Pro: Threesome Con: High bacon prices *has idea *starts building catapult"

"The abusive relationship that I'm in is such a joke I spend everyday waiting for the punchline."

"1992: Girls got undressed for their husbands. 1995: Girls got undressed for money. 2012: Girls get undressed for likes on Facebook and Instagram"

"One day I got this huge erection. I started running and hit a wall. You know what broke? My nose"

"the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead"

"Wife leaves: Ok. Wifi leaves: NOOOOOOOOOO. I can change!"

"Anyone seen the movie about the female eye doctor who's always naked when she kills her patients? It's called 'Lasik Instinct'."

"My friend asked me if I wanted to watch Countdown with them ""What's that?"", I replied, ""Dracula's retarded brother?"""

"How do you keep a turkey in suspense? ...... ...... ...... I'll get back to you in a few weeks"

"My friends joke he made up!! Why can you ask a NewZealander how many sexual partners they have had? Because he would fall asleep counting all the sheep. (Btw we are Australian sooo)"