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Joke of the Day

"How does someone pay for a painting? With Monet"

"How do you make a hippopotamus float? 2 hippos and a LOT of root beer."

"Some people you know were dropped on their heads as babies. Some were clearly thrown in the air, hit the ceiling fan, bounced off the wall & fell out the window."

"How do you make pickel bread? With dill dough"

"Praying: It's like wanting to help without actually having to help"

"What's the definition of perfect pitch? Throwing a banjo into a dumpster and hitting an accordion with it."

"[makes a voodoo doll of himself] [gives it a little back rub]"

"I dont want to make a joke but I really want to hear the most cancerous joke you know. If I get 100 of them I will show them all to my friend who hates cancerous jokes."

"Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year's Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I've been doing this all year. Where were you back in May"

"Thin eyeliner today. *left one goes fatter *right one goes fatter *left one goes fatter *right one goes fatter *covers entire face."