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Joke of the Day

"I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they'll know how much I exaggerate my problems."

"Why did the pervert cross the road? Because he couldn't get his cock out of the chicken."

"I sat on the edge of my bed, gently tugging off my boxers... ;) My wife thinks I spoil those dogs."

"[Water cooler] -Looks like you had a wild weekend! How'd you get the scratches? *flash back to me bathing my cat* -Uh, this chick bro. Yeah."

"I didn't like my haircut at first, but it grew on me."

"I have a vegan girlfriend... and she's nice and all, but sometimes I think she just looks at me like a piece of carrot"

"I'd buy more Tupperware containers from the supermarket if they came with cupcakes in them."

"Congratulations West Ham The only club named after two things that ISIS hate."

"Wife left a note on the fridge it says ""It's not working, gone to my mom's"" I opened it and opened a beer, it's cold, the fridge works fine?"

"My girlfriend keeps mixing up the names of the characters from the X-files. If she does it again, I'm gonna sculder!"