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Joke of the Day

"I'm not needy. I'm wanty."

"wife: Why didn't you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?! me [stops jumping]: You would have said no"

"If you say 'my cocaine' really loudly, you will sound exactly like Michael Caine saying his own name. I will never get tired of this."

"Knock Knock Who's there ! Boris ! Boris who ? Boris with more knock knock jokes !"

"Your life is like a box of chocolates It will kill your dog."

"Why did the idiot stare at a carton of orange juice? It said 'concentrate' on it"

"I was sitting next to a woman on a flight and asked her... >Does the airline company charge you for flying next to good looking men? She responded with >Yes, but this time I decided not to pay"

"My estranged father bought me a telescope for Christmas We're a lot closer now."

"Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I'm going to need those back."

"One of my terrorist friends decided to bomb our only good coffee machine in all of Yemen... Pissed as hell, he said he hates french press"