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Joke of the Day

"Ordered a pumpkin spice latte this morning and now I have bangs and work at Anthropologie."

"Did you say that you fell over fifty feet but didn't hurt yourself? Yes - I was trying to get to the back of the bus."

"My essay for graduate school reeks of bullshit and broken dreams disguised as lessons learned."

"Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It's like when you change a baby's clothes- new baby. New baby that's yours now."

"Yes, It's true eagles can soar... ...but at least weasels don't get sucked into jet engines."

"So, I was eating out my grandmother... ...and I tasted horse semen. ""Oh,"" I thought to myself, ""so that's how she died."""

"If we really want our kids to be smarter, we should require pornstars to moan historical facts during sex"

"What is the opposite of prostitute? Constitute, of course"

"""Do you have anything with, ya know, even more denim?"" ""These jeans are 100% denim."" ""I require more."" ""Mr. Leno, this is getting weird."""

"I was at a Chinese restaurant... when I realized that a duckling is a small duck. So I decided to cancel my order of steamed dumplings."