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Joke of the Day

"Advertising taught me that hair conditioner makes you move in slow motion."

"What is a whales favorite pasttime? Netflix and krill."

"My friend tried to kill herself by taking 20 advil. I was very upset by this and I asked her ""Why take 20 advil when you can just take 2 aleve?"

"Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work Cop2: Not a bit Cop1: Ok cover me, I'm going in Cop2: HI GOING IN I'M DAD [both get shot]"

"*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats* Guy who's about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!"

"How the fight started Wife : Going for a walk, do you want anything? Me : How about a newspaper. Wife : OK, which one? Me : Today's."

"A good way to break up with a girl gently is to curtsy when youre meeting her father instead of shaking his hand."

"What's the difference between a Afghanistan wedding and a terrorist training camp? Don't ask me, I'm just the drone pilot."

"Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe. - spider moms, probably"

"Q: Why do Blondes wear padded shoulders? A: So they don't get a concussion while bobbing their from head side to side as they are saying ""I don't know?"" whenever you ask them a question."