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Joke of the Day

"My wife got a restraining order against me. I love it when she plays hard to get."

"I've been trying to eat healthier so I ate a vegetarian."

"Pope Francis will bring a rabbi and a Muslim leader with him when he travels to the Holy Land this week. Or as bartenders put it, ""We've been expecting you."""

"To prepare her for real life I make my daughter pretend to tweet on a toy phone when she's taking a crap."

"Mickey Mouse is on trial for the murder of Minnie Mouse The judge asks to clarify, ""The report here says your motive for killing her is for being too silly?"" ""No your honor, she was fucking Goofy"""

"How do you titillate an ocelot? You oscillate its tit-alot"

"When did you find out Santa wasn't real? For me it was when I noticed he had the same birthmark on his cock as my uncle."

"TIN MAN: I want a heart COWARDLY LION: And I want courage ZOMBIE: Braaaaains ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell'd Ray go?"

"Just watched the uncut version of Scarface. Face"

"i have a joke, but not funny ."