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Joke of the Day

"ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little 'present' on my lawn GUY: Huh? ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?"

"How many redditors does it take to point out a repost? All of them."

"3. The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner...cuz of Twitter."

"This is gonna be a really long one. Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnneeeeeeeeee"

"""I think that kid's a robot"" What? ""Look at his mouth"" Relax they're just braces *backs away slowly* ""That's exactly what a robot would say"""

"A couple go to sex therapist Forget a spacebar and have a horrible time"

"What do you call someone who is obsessed with Joan of Arc? A heroine addict."

"A magician is driving down a road... and turns into a driveway."

"Q: What do you call a pickle that draws? A: A dillustrator."

"If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won't answer and my ringer will be off, so it won't bother me at all."