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Joke of the Day

"3. The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner...cuz of Twitter."

"I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that's God's Way of saying ""Nope""."

"alarm (noun) -a device commonly used in the morning to invent new curse words."

"My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver."

"Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?"

"Roses are Red Roses are red I'm feeling elated I'm doing Gisele My balls are deflated"

"Doctor: 'Your recovery was a miracle!' Patient: 'PRAISE GOD. Now I don't have to pay you!'"

"TIL that 1 in 3 Women are Battered. ...And to think I have been eating them plain all this time."

"Have you ever seen the serial numbers on a condom? No? You must not roll them back far enough."

"When I said ""I was afraid of the dentist"", I meant the bill."