158777

Joke of the Day

"Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He's gonna help out around the office. *Monkey flinging office equipment out the window* Brian hates clutter."

"What's the difference between a women's track team and a tribe of pygmys? One is a cunning bunch of runts..."

"What do you call a Donald Trump protestor's favorite word game? Mad Libs."

"Just sprayed Febreeze in my bathroom.. Now it smells like shitrus."

"I hit 350lbs on the bench press today And I think I broke a rib after I fell on it.."

"Nobody goes to that restaurant anymore. It's too crowded."

"My friend asked me why I haven't texted him in such a long while, I replied, ""My phone screen broke and now it's completely unusable... so I lost touch."""

"Did you know George Washington is not on the 1$ bill? It's just a picture of him."

"Twitter action film: MAN 1: Follow me. MAN 2: On Twitter? MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you'll be killed. MAN 2: On Twitter?"

"So we need to go over your drug history... Let me stop you there. It's gonna be quicker if I just tell you the ones's I haven't done."