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Joke of the Day

"Twitter action film: MAN 1: Follow me. MAN 2: On Twitter? MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you'll be killed. MAN 2: On Twitter?"

"8yo: Ghosts real? Me: No! 4yo: I heard groaning last night 8yo: & a bed squeaking and moaning 4yo: What was that? Me: .. Them: .. Me: Ghosts"

"Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?"

"What does getting pregnant and locking your car keys in your car have in common? They can both be fixed with a coat hanger."

"I bet when all the Baldwins go out to dinner, Alec makes a lot of eye contact while he reaches for the check."

"What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a Disney movie? Disney movies can still touch little kids."

"What did all of the birds do to the bird that couldn't fly? They ostrich-sized him"

"*holds up 2 ties* which one, I have a big meeting today ""both are nice"" [wife calls later] ""how'd it go"" well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster"

"Maybe you should get your own life so that you can leave mine alone, bitch."

"double negatives what is the greatest double negative/oxymoron of all time? A happy Marriage"