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Joke of the Day

"Wife: Go out for breakfast? Me: Sure! Wife: Ok, let me shower first. *showers, dresses & puts on makeup* Me: Where should we have lunch?"

"[on phone] mom I need u to pick me up from the restaurant right now *whispers* no the date is going terrible, she pronounced it 'pokey-man'"

"Commercial for Twitter: ""Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?"""

"I named my penis pony... ..because it's the smaller version of what you really wanted and you only get a ride if you're under 12."

"Papa Bear: I wish he'd Mackle more. Mama Bear: I wish he'd Mackle less. Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge."

"Q: What do teddy bears like to have in their houses? A: Fur-niture."

"How do you make seven even? Take the s off."

"Have you heard about the guy who didn't want to walk the plank? He wasn't on board with it."

"Customer: Waiter I found a hair in my turtle soup. Waiter: How about that! The turtle and the hare finally got together."

"I went to the Air and Space Museum It wasn't as empty as I thought it'd be."